Relentless EmpathySample

6 C’s of Behavior Modification

When Jesus got to the tree, he looked up and said, “Zacchaeus, hurry down. Today is my day to be a guest in your home.” Zacchaeus scrambled out of the tree…delighted to take Jesus home with him.

Excerpt from Luke 19:1-10 -The Message

You may remember a song about Zacchaeus that goes something like this,

“Zacchaeus was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he. He climbed up in a sycamore tree for the Lord he wanted to see. And as the Savior passed that way, he looked up in the tree, and he said, (with a stern condemning tone and a waggy finger) Zacchaeus! You come down. I’m going to your house today. ”

But wait, something is wrong with the song! When children are taught the motions of this song, they are also led to believe that Jesus’ instruction to hurry down was accompanied by actions suggesting his displeasure with the scoundrel. Although these motions are nowhere in the biblical story, they may have been precisely what Zacchaeus had expected. It is doubtful that this local tax collector, scoundrel, and thief expected to receive an invitation to host the Lord in his own home! But this is why Jesus is called a friend of sinners.

Are you a friend of sinners?

In our encounters with people, we often judge and miss what is actually happening. The creators of this children's song assumed that Jesus was focused on Zacchaeus’ sin. However, in the text, Jesus made no mention of Zacchaeus’ sinful ways. However, we know Jesus touched his heart because Zacchaeus repents! He says, “Master, I will give away half my income to the poor—and if I’m caught stealing, I will pay four times the damages.” Zacchaeus knew he was a sinner, and he knew that Jesus knew the truth about him as well. Jesus’ request to eat at Zacchaeus’ house changed his identity and deeply impacted his behavior. Church history suggests Zacchaeus became a prominent early church leader. How could this simple interaction have such a life-altering impact on Zacchaeus? Jesus knew the way to transformational life change is through the heart.

When we focus on behavior modification, we usually misinterpret the reason for the behavior. We miss what lies just beneath the surface. But when we focus on heart transformation, we impact the very core of a person, and as a result, we will usually get the behavior modification for which we were looking in the first place.

Zacchaeus was not afraid to come down from the tree because he could sense Jesus's love for him. Perfect love casts out all fear. Where does perfect love begin? In the case of Zacchaeus, it started with Jesus connecting by seeing him in the crowd, showing interest, and using a welcoming tone. Jesus then went further and met his need for dignity. These relational skills all come under the heading of empathy. Remember that true empathy is placing yourself in the other person’s shoes long enough to connect, understand, and relate in a way that leads to empowerment- seeing the other person’s heart come alive!

We all have the desire to be empathetic. Our motive is good; it’s our method that’s bad. We often try to “correct” before we “connect.” When you correct before you connect, it feels condescending to the person. As you offer the best advice that comes to your mind, you begin to create a “fix it” list on the spot: read scripture, heed a list of principles from a famous author, gain wisdom, make good decisions, find the right medicine, try the latest therapy, check out this website.

I tend to put most of these pithy statements and “fix it” recommendations in one of the following six categories: Correction, Criticism, Control, Condemnation, Complaining, and Cajoling. These are the 6 Cs of behavior modification. Let me give a few example phrases often used with the 6 C’s:

Correction: Here’s a better way to do it.

Criticism: What were you thinking doing it that way?

Control: Do it this way.

Condemnation: I am very disappointed in you!

Complaining: This happens every time you do it.

Cajoling: If you do it, I’ll give you something you want.

Which one of these manipulative techniques are you most likely to use when someone important to you is “misbehaving?”

If you don’t use empathy, you will slip into using one or more of the 6 C’s. Relentless empathy requires intentionally focusing on the heart instead of trying to take the simple behavior modification. As the story of Zacchaeus proves, true heart transformation occurs when we act from empathy. Jesus connected with Zacchaeus in such a way that correction was not even necessary. The love of Jesus so inspired Zacchaeus that he repented of his old ways and began to follow in the steps of Jesus.

Reflection:

How would you explain the difference between behavior modification and heart transformation to someone considering the Zacchaeus story?

Which of the 6 C’s come most naturally to you?

Consider spending time in prayer today to repent of the 6 Cs and invite the Holy Spirit to transform your natural response to empathy.