4 Ways to Fight Fair in MarriageSample

Fight The Temptation To Defend

The good news is that you have nothing to prove and no one to impress. Because of the gospel, you don’t have to prove anything. You are beloved by and in good standing with the God of all creation, and it’s not because of anything you did or could do. It’s because of Jesus and his sacrifice.

If you have nothing to prove before the God of the universe, you certainly don’t have anything to prove to anyone else.

We forget that when we feel the need to defend ourselves all the time. We also forget, in our pride, that we are sinners in need of a Savior. As sinners, we mess up, fail, disappoint, and don’t meet expectations.

So it should not surprise us when our spouse comes to us with frustrations about us. But again, the good news is we don’t have to defend ourselves. We can be honest about our failings, apologize, repent, and move forward because of the gospel.

If you’re quick to defend yourself in disagreements with your spouse, it’s going to escalate things and be exhausting. When you defend yourself tooth and nail, it invalidates what your spouse is feeling and experiencing. It communicates to them, “I don’t care that you think I hurt you. I didn’t!”

The truth is we do fail our spouses. We do mess up. We are sinners in need of a Savior. We don’t need to defend ourselves as if those things weren’t true.

The opposite of defense is confession. And again, good news for us—God is good and faithful to forgive our sins when we confess them. We don’t have to be afraid of confessing to God or to our spouse. There is freedom in confession.

Not only are we called to confess to God, but we are also called to confess in our relationships. We are to be peacemakers and reconcilers. A big part of making peace is laying down defense and instead choosing to confess.

CHALLENGE

The next time your spouse brings something to your attention, and you feel defensive, pray and ask God to help you confess instead of defending.

APPLICATION QUESTIONS

How would fighting the temptation to defend change your disagreements with your spouse?

Where do you feel defensive? Why do you think that is?

What would it look like for you to make a habit of confessing to God? To your spouse?