Achieving Awesome Communication in MarriageSample

Seeking To Understand Over Seeking To Be Understood

I was new to being a Pastor’s wife when I went to a conference breakout session about emotional health for Pastors’ wives. The speaker had us all share different things we were dealing with and for the first time, I felt so heard and understood. They asked questions and nodded along. They really wanted to understand what I was dealing with and they all really “got it.” 

It felt so good to not only be truly heard but also truly understood. 

We can all relate to a time when someone made us feel like they really “got” us. 

One pivotal mistake we are all guilty of is not putting forth the effort to really understand our spouse. We are all guilty of sometimes not truly listening to our spouse. Especially in an argument, we think too much about ourselves and how to be understood instead of seeking to understand our spouse. Understanding our spouse starts with listening. 

The Bible tells us to consider others as better than ourselves, to sacrificially serve those around us, to walk in humility. If we are to do this we have to lay down the urge to push our own agenda and words. Instead, we have to seek to understand first and seek to be understood second. 

Challenge: Today think about how good it feels to be heard and understood, then give that gift to your spouse by seeking to understand them and truly listening. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

Where have you been seeking to be understood over seeking to understand? How can you practically “lay this down” and learn to serve your spouse better in conversations? 

What is one practical thing you can do to become a better listener? 

The next time the two of you are in a disagreement, what are some things you can do to best understand your spouse? 

Ask your spouse how you can be a better listener and how you can grow in seeking to know and understand them. 

Follow Up Challenge: Together come up with five great questions you can ask each other in an argument to better understand each other.