My Child’s Different: Support for the Ups & DownsSample

Today’s devotional is from Heather Brower, a mom who’s raising an awesomely autistic son named Michael. 

Dealing With Parental Anxiety 

Parental anxiety is no joke. I’m not just talking about parental worries—every parent has those. I’m talking about full-on, sweaty, heart-pounding fear. A little over a year ago, I had a bout of anxiety that sent me to the ER. What caused it? This thought: I can’t die.

The thing is, my son is autistic, and I’m the person he’s most comfortable with on the whole planet. I “get” him more than anyone else. What would his life be like without me? I can’t die! It’s a thought that plagues just about any parent who is raising someone with special needs. 

Here’s the thing. I’ve learned a lot of lessons on anxiety in my life. Not to brag, but I’m kind of an overachiever when it comes to worrying, catastrophizing, and sensing doom. I wish parental anxiety weren’t something any of us (much less those of us in the special needs community) had to wrestle with. But, since it is, I’d love to share with you some lessons I’ve learned along the way.

1. Let go. Just because you’re not in control doesn’t mean you’re out of control. Right? You might not be in the driver’s seat, but it doesn’t mean you’re careening toward destruction. If you’ve asked God to lead and direct your life, your driver is a good one. He’s a good Father, and He never experiences parental anxiety. Let go and let Him lead. 


2. Focus on what’s going right. Once I went to one of those trained bird shows at a theme park. The trainer said something that stuck with me. It was something along the lines of, “You know how we train these birds to do all these tricks? It’s nothing but positive reinforcement. We never punish the birds if they don’t get the trick right. We just give them a treat whenever they do.” Instead of focusing on our fears, we have to fix our thoughts on things that are true, good, and right. 


3. You’re not enough—and that’s okay! Did that sentence hurt? I hope not! Focus on the “and that’s okay” part for a moment. You + More You = Still Just You. But You + God = Enough! Stop running your brain and efforts in circles trying to think of everything and do everything. Reach out! Find a counselor for yourself. Find a doctor you can talk to. Let your spouse in. Let your friends in. This is how we fulfill the law of Christ!


4. Stop parenting tomorrow. Parent today’s troubles. Just because your child is displaying behavior X today does not mean they’ll display behavior Y tomorrow. What if are two of the most dangerous words for a parent of a child with special needs to think about. There are too many unknowns. It’s pointless to waste today’s joys on the thought of tomorrow’s sorrow. Besides, what if things go right?


5. Find your smile. Is  your child in the middle of a defiant phase? Try lightening up their “NO!” with a little smile. Your therapist had to cancel when you were already on your way? Stop at your favorite indoor play place and have an impromptu party with your kiddo! Hospital stays again? Bring music, your child’s favorite blanket, their favorite movie, a yummy smelling oil to diffuse, a Sharpie to draw faces on the hospital masks—anything that can lighten the mood and provoke a life-giving smile. It’s such good medicine.


6. Take care of yourself. You can’t help your child if you’re not well. I work on taking care of my mental and physical health so I can squash my fears of dying young and so I can be here for my family. And I definitely have to balance my mental and physical health with spiritual health. If I’m honest, attending church and worshiping together with my community has often been a sacrifice. But every time I make that sacrifice, God builds my faith, strengthens my spirit, and gives me the joy I need to make it through the next week!


7. Seek wisdom like oxygen. There are days when we special-needs parents just don’t know what to do next. Things aren’t working out. Well-researched therapies aren’t available. Someone emailed you about a “miracle cure.” What next? Seek wisdom. Put down your Google searches for a minute. Call a real human. Talk with a pastor, a counselor, a school official, a doctor, or another parent and ask for their wisdom. But most of all, ask God for it. He’s basically the wisest being in all of space and time.


8. Both you and your child are wonderfully made. You know what anxiety loves to say? “You’re not okay.” You know what anxiety loves to say even more? “Your child’s not okay.” But you know what’s a great comeback? “Both my child and I are made in the image of God.” Our Creator and heavenly Father carefully designed each and every human. He knows the unique way He crafted you to be the parent for your child. And He knows the unique life your child will lead, too. That’s a wonderful thing!


9. Thank God like it’s your job. Journal one thing you’re thankful for every day. Just one thing. Add a sentence about why you’re thankful for that one thing, and you’re doing even better. I find it impossible to be anxious and journaling about gratitude at the same time. It’s another way of training your mind to focus on and feel what’s right. It trains your heart to look for what else you have to be thankful for each day. Anytime you’re not sure what to write, you can journal, “Today, I’m thankful God gave me the ability to choose to be thankful. Because He is good, He loves me, and I can trust He’s working all things together for good.”

One last thing. If your parental anxiety is getting bigger, is blurring into other forms of anxiety, isn’t responding to prayer, is causing you to lose sleep, or is disrupting your everyday life, it’s time to seek more help. Find a doctor, a professional counselor, and a pastor to talk to today. Do it now. Call for help. Make sure your body, mind, and spirit are getting the help they need. Need motivation? Look at your child. They need you. 

Journal: What went right today? What do you have to be thankful for and why?