How To Parent Well After The Loss Of A SpouseSample

More Than A Memory - Rachel G. Scott's Journey

 “All I remember is her suffering,” were the words my stepdaughter said as she sat at the kitchen table crying. 

I had no idea of what to say. The fact was that by the age of 10 she had experienced more loss than I ever had and by 15 years old, death had become a common word in her vocabulary. When my daughter’s biological mother passed, she was about 5 and shortly after, her paternal grandmother passed when she was about 7, both due to cancer.

Over the years, I noticed that she was very intrigued by cancer. She read fiction books about cancer, watched movies about cancer, and had decided she was going to be an oncologist, specializing in helping cancer patients. Even though she didn’t always enjoy the activity, it seemed to me that cancer had become her identity and I was never really sure how to talk with her about this sensitive topic.

But that day, as she sat at the table crying, the doors of opportunity swung open. 

As I consoled her I asked, “Do you believe your mom suffered her entire life?"

“I don’t remember.” she said. “I just remember her being sick and being in pain.”

I decided to pull my husband into the conversation for a moment to discuss the timelines a bit.

As he talked, and confirmed that the cancer was only 2 to 3 years of her 29 years of life, she looked at me as if she had never really thought about how much life her mother had actually lived before the cancer.

“You are half your mom and half your dad so the gifts and talents you have come from both. There are so many things that you are talented and gifted in so no matter what you decide to do or become, you’re representing her, you are her daughter.” I explained.

When the conversation ended, I could see a weight lifted from her. 

When our children have experienced loss, God will use us to remind them of their identity—an identity that may have been suffocated and suppressed by their pain. When we do this and ask God to intervene, we will begin to see our children walk in their God-given purpose while honoring the legacy of the parent they have lost.